ramblings to you

i would spend my life waiting for you. i would stay in the same place for the rest of my life if it meant that i could see you everyday. i would never leave, for fear of missing you. i wish sometimes i didn't have to wait and i am sure that you don't want to keep me waiting. If i could i wouldn't love you, it just complicates things. sometimes i wish to myself thati had never met you. that some how i just erased you from my memories. but thatis no way to live. i am who i am now because of you. i wish you could read this. I wish you could read my deepest thoughts and save me from the pain i feel. from the loniliness i feel. but i am sure you can see my secrets when you look into my eyes, & there is no magic you can perform that will heal my broken heart.
it isnt sane to live this way. to wake up everyday knowing another piece of your heart will be lost. but then again... who needs sane.

honeymoon

I have never seen marriage in the cards for myself. Don't get me wrong, I want it so bad I can taste it. I wish more than anything that I could be the one that gets chosen one of these days. I must say that this "vacation" with you was one of the best days of my life. We stayed here... in our home... all weekend long. Just us, we stayed up all night and you held me in your arms. Just held me, not expecting anything, no pressure... just pure & comfortable. Sometimes, I let myself believe that one day you will wake up and love me too... that suddenly, without preface, you will look into my eyes and see your other half looking back at you. That's what I see in you. I look at you, your confidence, your kindness, your smile, those eyes that I can't hide from... and I can see our future. I can see a beautiful wedding outside in Arkansas, with all of our family surrounding us. I see myself walking down the aisle. I see tears in your eyes. I see our first child. I see us growing old together. I know that will never happen. I know that for the rest of my life I will have a hole in the middle of my heart that you fit perfectly inside. This night won't be forgotten. I will hold it inside to keep me warm, when the icy cold of loneliness bites at me. I don't doubt that you love me. I don't doubt that you care. I just know that somewhere out there over the rainbow maybe.... my heart was meant to love you. & sometimes just sometimes... I wish I was there. But this comfortable place, this place where we are will just have to do... because the dull ache of being your best friend... is better that the empty pain of never having met you.

I love you.